I have to think about every cent I spend. I’ve done a few things irresponsibly lately, financially and otherwise. I have to take responsibility for those actions, those pennies I spent, and move on. And I am.
I found out that I’m getting a sizable tax return. Everything I’ve read encourages me to save any unexpected money, but if rather take 75% of it and apply it to a credit card instead. If I do, I’ve got one credit card out of the way and paid off. That’s one check mark for 2014. And the others I can pay down slowly, and add that money I was paying toward the first one, to the other two. It’s a perfect plan!… So why do I feel so wretched right now?
Money has always been a tough subject for me. I’ve always known that my habits were irresponsible, but it never stopped me. I knew, I cried about it, but I never did anything differently. I just kept charging and charging and not thinking about it until it all hit me at once… And then I was distraught for weeks. I wouldn’t spend anything I didn’t have to, but then, slowly, old habits would creep back in.
This is where my head was tonight when I got into an argument, in front of friends, with my boyfriend… What about? You guessed it — money.
I made a passing comment about something he had spent a lot of money on recently, and it just snowballed from there. Here I am, visiting him before a work trip, and we’re arguing about how we shouldn’t talk about money in front of other people, about how it’s his money, about how I offered to give him some money after Christmas… And on all counts he’s 100% right. But that’s where my head was. I was thinking about everything I have to save, spend, pay, scrape, worry about, and he drops a sizable sum on something I never would have bought. But he’s right — it’s his money, and I shouldn’t have brought up any of it.
And perhaps that’s why I’ve been so silent all evening. I’m sure he thinks I’m giving him the silent treatment, but honestly, I’m just sitting here hating myself. I hate myself for putting me in this situation, for being petty enough to fight in front of friends on the two days we have together, for not being the type of person I so desperately want to be.
So today I feel low.
I feel very low.
They say every day is a new day, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be hating myself tomorrow too.